I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
