Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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