I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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