Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize