I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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