i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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