What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
