he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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