why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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