Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
