My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
