I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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