Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
