3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize