Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Randomize
