Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
