Jerry, you need to find god
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
