I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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