you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
