Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
