I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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