toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
