You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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