All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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