god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
