Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
