If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
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