im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
