I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
