If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
