got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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