JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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