Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Randomize
