There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You made out with two different species that night
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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