you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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