I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
