this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
