i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
