me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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