I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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