Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
