im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize