I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
