I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize