you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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