there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
