Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
