Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I have fence marks all over my body
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
