He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
