I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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