I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
