R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
