Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
