we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
