YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Can't talk, ducks in the car
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
