I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
