Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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