my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
