She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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