last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
