the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
