PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
