also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize