He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
