Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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