im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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